Who knew that staring at a computer screen every day for hours on end, reading job descriptions and filling out employment applications would turn one’s brain into a pile of mush? Seriously, as I write this blog post I can feel my brain cells oozing out of my ears. Not a pretty picture is it?
This whole experience has sent my anxiety level through the roof. I have posted my resume on every job board I can find, applied for every job I am qualified for – and even some I am not – and contacted employers directly to discuss my skills and my willingness to learn. What is up with corporate America today? If my life were perfect – I’d even settle for “okay” – I’d make a living talking to you on a daily basis. There are so many things I want to write about but unfortunately the search for a “traditional” job must take precedence.
My job history used to be excellent; ten years at one company, five years at several others. But the last couple of years, ever since my mom got sick and eventually passed away, my dedication to the corporate world has dwindled. I’ve had two jobs in the last three years, mainly because my desire is gone. My ability to conform to what my employer expects of me does not exist anymore.
All of this is my fault, I know, but I am now overwhelmed by what I want to do battling with what I should do. I want to ork at home as a writer and blogger and gain hundreds of thousands of followers and earn enough money to live comfortably. But I should find a job in an office with benefits and stability so that I can afford to eat and pay my bills. Unfortunately, my strong desire for what I want is affecting the outcome of what I need.
I’ve shared with you before that I cared for my mom until the day she died. I took care of both my parents, but when my mom died life got more complicated. I was always the caretaker and with her gone, there was no place for me. I didn’t know who I was – still don’t and maybe that is why finding a job is so difficult and why I don’t feel “settled” anywhere I go.
Well, I guess I better get back to the job hunt. Thank you for listening to me vent. I would love to hear your stories or thoughts about a time when you have felt unsettled or out of place in your own skin.