The Daily Post


I woke up this morning and got out of bed
I am lucky

I enjoyed my morning coffee

I am grateful

I felt the love of my cats
I am blessed

I have a roof over my head
I am thankful

So much to do today

I am overwhelmed

Stuck in traffic
I am frustrated

My lunch falls on the floor
I am angry

The afternoon flies by
I am sleepy

I trip and fall on the way to my car
I am embarrassed


It is crowded at the grocery store
I am irritated


I arrive home safely
I am thankful

I enjoy my afternoon coffee
I am grateful

My cats run to me as I climb the stairs
I am blessed

I do some work as I eat my dinner
I am content

I climb into bed at night
I survived.


Hope – Is It Worth the Time?

As Emily Dickinson said,

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –

No offense to Ms. Dickinson, while the above is a beautiful stanza to her famous poem, comparing Hope to feathers is not altogether accurate.  In my life, and for those of us struggling with anxiety and depression:

“Hope” is the thing with tentacles
Grasping me everso tightly
Until the act of breathing becomes impossible
And I am lost – scared to death –

Personally, I think the concept of Hope is a scary one – it is paralyzing and has prevented me from acting on things I should have.  I continually “hope” that something will change in my life to create less anxiety; I “hope” I will have enough money to pay my bills each month; I “hope” I will be able to find a job and that my fear of screwing up won’t get in the way; I “hope” I can learn to love myself and get it through my thick head that I am worth more than I give myself credit for.  But lately, “hope” has become “hopeless.”   How does such a small word create such a large physical and emotional reaction?  The heart palpitations, the shakes, the lack of focus and above all,  the ability to overlook the good in one’s life while “hoping” for what may or may not come?”

Perhaps it is because I am a planner – I admit it, I have an irrational fear of the unknown – I have to know what will happen – and the uncertainty of what the next hour or day may bring ignites thoughts of worry and frustration.  Is this how “Hope” is supposed to feel?  Unfortunately in my case it does, and I’m sure it does for others who struggle on a daily basis.
Before I close, let me say that I applaud those of you who have lived positively with Hope and are able to be excited about what the future has in store for you.  That is the way life is supposed to be – as the saying goes, “Hope for the best and prepare for the worst”.  Unfortunately, in our anxiety-filled world, the saying has become, “Expect the worst and prepare for the inevitable.”



What Now?

So what do you do when your anxiety costs you your job?  When your lack of focus and physical symptoms cause you to make mistake after mistake and turns you into the type of employee that you have never been and thought you’d never be?  It finally happened to me.

I have been in the corporate world for close to 30 years and I have always been a focused, detail-oriented, conscientious employee.  But the last couple of years have been very difficult due to several family losses and my anxiety and depression have become the center of my existence.  I can’t concentrate, I can’t cope and it has made me become a lackadaisical, do-enough-to-get-by, frustrated individual.  This is not me; but unfortunately, it is the only “me” my last two employers have seen.

For those of us suffering from anxiety and depression, this becomes a problem that seems unsolvable.  We feel we cannot hold a stable job, and even if we try, something always happens to fuck it up.  Self-esteem plummets and the feeling that we are no good for anything takes over our world.  It is a cycle with no immediate ending and one that takes us to a place we feel we will never crawl out of.



The amazing group 3 Doors Down sings a song called “Let Me Be Myself.”   The words are haunting to me and describe my own personal relationship with anxiety and depression to the letter:

I guess I just got lost

Bein’ someone else

I tried to kill the pain

Nothin’ ever helped

I left myself behind

Somewhere along the way

Hopin’ to come back around

To find myself someday

Please, would you one time

Let me be myself

So I can shine with my own light

And let me be myself

For a while, if you don’t mind

Let me be myself

So I can shine with my own light

Let me be myself

I miss the old me – the me that was excited to go to work and put in a hard day of paperwork, research and customer service.  I miss the strong woman I used to be I and would do anything to have her come back.  She’s here somewhere – I just have to find her.



Anxiety Sux!

I don’t say that lightly.  If you have for even one second felt your heart beating out of your chest or your hands shake, or your stomach rolling so hard you feel like you want to throw up, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Welcome to my blog – a place for conversation and suggestions about living with the very real struggle of mental illness.  It’s not about “getting over it” or “hoping it will get better.”   It’s about waking up every morning and praying that you can get through the day in one piece.  It’s about dealing quietly with your symptoms in a crowd  full of people and longing for the safety of your own bedroom.  It’s one second, one minute, one hour at a time.


I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life.  I have been where you are, felt every emotion that you have and although I am still here, it gets harder every day.  I have wished I was dead, wished I could crawl into a hole and never come out, and wanted to be loved and left alone at the same time.  It is my goal in writing this blog to share my day to day struggles, the events in my life that cause the panic, fear and uncertainty.

Feel free to share your own experiences and struggles with anxiety and depression.  Perhaps we can survive it together.