What Now?

So what do you do when your anxiety costs you your job?  When your lack of focus and physical symptoms cause you to make mistake after mistake and turns you into the type of employee that you have never been and thought you’d never be?  It finally happened to me.

I have been in the corporate world for close to 30 years and I have always been a focused, detail-oriented, conscientious employee.  But the last couple of years have been very difficult due to several family losses and my anxiety and depression have become the center of my existence.  I can’t concentrate, I can’t cope and it has made me become a lackadaisical, do-enough-to-get-by, frustrated individual.  This is not me; but unfortunately, it is the only “me” my last two employers have seen.

For those of us suffering from anxiety and depression, this becomes a problem that seems unsolvable.  We feel we cannot hold a stable job, and even if we try, something always happens to fuck it up.  Self-esteem plummets and the feeling that we are no good for anything takes over our world.  It is a cycle with no immediate ending and one that takes us to a place we feel we will never crawl out of.

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The amazing group 3 Doors Down sings a song called “Let Me Be Myself.”   The words are haunting to me and describe my own personal relationship with anxiety and depression to the letter:

I guess I just got lost

Bein’ someone else

I tried to kill the pain

Nothin’ ever helped

I left myself behind

Somewhere along the way

Hopin’ to come back around

To find myself someday

Please, would you one time

Let me be myself

So I can shine with my own light

And let me be myself

For a while, if you don’t mind

Let me be myself

So I can shine with my own light

Let me be myself

I miss the old me – the me that was excited to go to work and put in a hard day of paperwork, research and customer service.  I miss the strong woman I used to be I and would do anything to have her come back.  She’s here somewhere – I just have to find her.

~Sophie

 

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Anxiety Sux!

I don’t say that lightly.  If you have for even one second felt your heart beating out of your chest or your hands shake, or your stomach rolling so hard you feel like you want to throw up, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Welcome to my blog – a place for conversation and suggestions about living with the very real struggle of mental illness.  It’s not about “getting over it” or “hoping it will get better.”   It’s about waking up every morning and praying that you can get through the day in one piece.  It’s about dealing quietly with your symptoms in a crowd  full of people and longing for the safety of your own bedroom.  It’s one second, one minute, one hour at a time.

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I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life.  I have been where you are, felt every emotion that you have and although I am still here, it gets harder every day.  I have wished I was dead, wished I could crawl into a hole and never come out, and wanted to be loved and left alone at the same time.  It is my goal in writing this blog to share my day to day struggles, the events in my life that cause the panic, fear and uncertainty.

Feel free to share your own experiences and struggles with anxiety and depression.  Perhaps we can survive it together.

Sophie